The Crusader, Part 3 | |
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The Crusader (Part 3) Jenny's new acceptance of herself as a smoker led her to smoke more freely over the course of the summer. She still liked to pretend that she had some control over it at first, but in reality that melted away in the warmth of the summer as she continued to smoke more and more. By August she had finally progressed to a pack a day and the cravings had finally gotten to her. She slowly began to understand that she too had become hooked as her appetite for cigarettes continued undiminished. Smoking now seemed as normal to her as breathing and it had insinuated itself into her daily routine to the point where she seldom even thought about it these days. Almost everything Jenny did now had to accommodate her need to smoke or else she would avoid the activity, not wanting to repeat the experience she had at camp ever again. She eventually recognized the hold it had taken on her one morning when she awoke and got out of bed. Stumbling sleepily to the bathroom she glimpsed her gold pack on the dresser in her room and immediately but subconsciously felt a desire for a cigarette, even though she had not customarily smoked until after breakfast. She stopped and reversed direction. Almost unconsciously she shook one loose and extracted it from the pack. She lit up while still half-asleep and inhaled a long puff before setting course again for the bathroom. The smoke seemed to invigorate her and as she puffed luxuriously on it in the bathroom she realized it felt good to smoke first thing in the morning before doing anything else. Soon it became part of her routine and a cigarette immediately upon awakening each morning became a necessity, not an indulgence. Joanne still didn't like the idea that Jenny smoked but was growing increasingly curious about her habit as she watched her daughter go into her bedroom, the only place she allowed Jenny to smoke in the house, to have another cigarette every 40 minutes or so when she was at home. She still hated to see Jenny smoke but at the same time was fascinated by the enjoyment her daughter seemed to take from her habit. For the first time in her life she actually began to think about the reasons why people smoked and was no longer so easily able to dismiss them as weak, stupid, or thoughtless beings. She knew her daughter was none of those things, but nevertheless was a smoker. Joanne struggled with the thought process behind Jenny's decision to smoke and eventually concluded that there must be some physical reason behind it. She began to wonder what pleasures Jenny felt every time she smoked. Joanne and Jenny were shopping one Saturday when Jenny announced that she needed cigarettes. Joanne waited outside in the mall while Jenny went into a pharmacy superstore to buy a carton. She soon was rejoined by her daughter who was emptyhanded and had a dismayed look on her face. "They carded me in there," Jenny said disgustedly. "When I couldn't show ID they wouldn't sell to me. Would you go get them for me? Please, mom?," she pleaded. This had never happened previously and Joanne had taken the ease with which Jenny had been able to buy cigarettes as proof that the laws regarding underage smoking were little more than a joke. At least this store, it seemed, was living up to the law. She wasn't at all comfortable with Jenny's request, though she knew that her daughter probably wouldn't ask if she wasn't desperate. "Are you completely out?," she asked. Jenny nodded affirmatively. "Yeah... I had my last one before we left home. I was hoping we'd go here first so I could buy myself some and have one in the restaurant after lunch. That's why I didn't have one there earlier. I'm dying for one, mom. If we don't get them here, then I'll have to make a trip to the Walgreen's where I normally buy them after we get home." She made a face. It was a wet, windy day and Jenny would have to walk several blocks to the other store. Joanne felt a little sympathy for her daughter, having come to better understand her need to smoke recently, and finally said "OK, I'll do it for you. Wait here. Marlboro Light 100s, right?" "No, mom, Marlboro 100s. The gold ones. Here, let me give you the money," Jenny said, reaching for her wallet. Joanne waved her off. "Not here. I want to get this over with as soon as possible," she said, heading towards the entrance. Making her way to the counter, Joanne scanned the store carefully for familiar faces. She was as nervous as a schoolgirl on her first date, she realized, anxious that no one who knew her from work would see her doing this. She recognized no one and finally reached the counter. "Yes... I'd like a carton of Marlboro 100s, please," she said. The girl behind the counter wandered over to the wall of cigarettes and turned back to face her. "Soft pack or box?," she called, loudly. Joanne started. She just wanted to get out of there without drawing attention to herself, and the last thing she needed was to have a conversation about her purchase from halfway across the store where everyone could hear. She glanced at Jenny outside in the mall who was watching the whole thing with a broad grin on her face. She had heard the question and mouthed the word "box" at her mom. "Box, please," Joanne said. The salesgirl returned to the register and placed the gold carton on the counter in front of Joanne. "C'mom, hurry up and put them in a bag, please..." Joanne thought, not wanting to be seen with her illicit purchase for longer than necessary. "Anything else?," the clerk asked by rote. Joanne shook her head no. "Would you like some free coupons for photo finishing?," the clerk now asked. Geez, Joanne thought, what does it take to get out of here? She replied negatively once again. "Then that'll be $17.49, please," the clerk finally said, ringing in the sale. Still the cigarettes sat on the counter in front of her as Joanne handed the salesgirl a fifty. The clerk started to make change, then paused. She lifted out the cash tray and looked underneath. Replacing it, she said to Joanne, "I'm sorry, I'm all out of dollar bills. Just a minute, I'll be right back." She removed a twenty-dollar bill from the cash drawer, pushed it closed, and walked over to the office. Joanne was growing more exasperated and anxious each minute as the carton of Marlboros sat exposed on the counter in front of her. People had lined up behind her and she felt all eyes were on her. Finally after what seemed like an eternity the girl returned with a stack of singles. She made change for Joanne, and gave her the $32.51. Finally, she placed the cigarettes in a plastic bag along with the receipt and Joanne fled, purchase in hand, her anxiety level dropping only slightly as she now noticed that the contents of the bag could clearly be seen through the thin plastic. Joanne flew out of the store, down the mall to collect Jenny and handed her the bag without stopping. "Here, take them," she hissed, as Jenny ran after her to catch up. "Don't ever ask me to do that for you again!" Jenny found her mom's discomfort hilarious and despite trying to repress it, she couldn't help breaking out into a bout of laughter. Joanne was in overdrive as she headed for the parking lot. They reached the car and headed out of the lot. When they hit the Interstate, a violent thunderstorm had slowed traffic to a crawl before it stopped altogether. "Oh, great," Joanne said as they came upon the block of traffic. She turned on the radio and after a few minutes heard that an accident had traffic tied up for miles. It inched ahead slowly for a time before stopping totally. They sat for about 5 minutes before Joanne shut off the engine. The rain quickly made the windshield impossible to see through except for some blurry, distorted images. After about 15 minutes they still hadn't moved, and Joanne looked over at Jenny sitting in the passenger seat. She was taking deep breaths and blowing them out through pursed lips. Joanne was baffled by this and asked, "Jen... are you OK?" "Oh... yeah, mom, I'm fine," Jenny said. "What's with the breathing exercises?," Joanne asked. "Ummm... I just remembered reading that deep breathing helps when you want to try and get rid of an urge to smoke," Jenny said, feeling a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry... it's just that I haven't had one since this morning and I'm overdue, I guess," she finally admitted. Joanne looked at her daughter as she continued to do the breathing exercises. She realized that Jenny was probably suffering right now and would like nothing better than to be able to smoke a cigarette. She had never allowed smoking in her car before, but suddenly she decided that it wouldn't be a disaster if she did. "It's OK, honey," she said. "If you want one, go ahead. Just crack the window a little bit." Jenny immediately spun around, first in surprise, then in urgency before Joanne changed her mind. She reached into the back seat and found the bag from the drugstore. Placing it on her lap, she tore open the end of the carton and removed a pack. She expertly stripped off the cellophane, flipped open the box top and removed the foil. Extracting a cigarette, she held it between the fingers of her left hand while she opened her purse with her right and found her Bic. In a sudden series of motions she placed the cigarette to her lips, brought her lighter to life and lit up. She puffed out the first smoke that reached her mouth around the cigarette between her lips while she replaced everything where it had been and lowered the window an inch or so. Then she began a long, hard drag on her Marlboro as she reached with her right hand towards her mouth. Grasping the cigarette, she finally withdrew it and inhaled deeply, some of the smoke escaping from her mouth but being captured again as it passed her nostrils. She gratefully held it in for a few seconds, feeling a familiar sense of relief, before turning her head slightly and blowing a stream out the window. "Thanks, mom," Jenny said. "I'll try to keep it away from you." She thrust the cellophane and foil out the window as she began another puff. Jenny enjoyed her first cigarette in nearly three hours by taking a rapid series of long, deep puffs to try and satisfy her cravings. In virtually no time at all it was finished and she carefully flicked the butt out the cracked window after taking one last drag which she exhaled out the window before closing it once more. "That was good.... thanks, mom," Jenny said. "I know you don't like anyone to smoke in the car." "It wasn't so bad. Actually, I could hardly smell it," Joanne replied. "As long as you don't use the ashtray and blow it out the window like that I guess you can smoke here if you want. Just be careful, OK?," she said. In truth, Joanne had come to almost like the smell of Jenny's Marlboros. She would never admit that to Jenny, but the odor reminded her of when she was growing up and the smell that she associated with her father when he smoked. It was a comforting scent, and one that she really hadn't recalled until Jenny took up the habit. After about 20 minutes they had barely moved and traffic showed no sign of clearing. Jenny let out a couple of long sighs before she finally said "Mom, would you mind if I had another cigarette?" Joanne looked at her for a second before nodding and Jenny began to reach into her purse. She opened the car window, then pulled the pack of Marlboros out part of the way and extracted another of her long cigarettes. She lit up as Joanne watched closely, again puffing out a little smoke before beginning her now-customary long puff. As she withdrew it from her lips finally, she relaxed comfortably back into the seat and Joanne could hear her breathe in as she sucked the smoke down into her lungs. She held the cigarette close to the open window in her right hand and allowed the smoke from the tip to draft out while she blew a long stream out the window. Joanne felt totally alone with Jenny under these conditions, and she began to think about her daughter's habit while watching her smoke. Over the last hour or so she had allowed herself to actually become a part of Jenny's smoking for the first time since she began, other than to criticize her for it. She suddenly wanted to really talk to Jenny about smoking rather than to just harp on her as she had done before. She watched as Jenny absently took another deep draw on her cigarette and then stuck the glowing end through the cracked window to flick away some ash. She looked so content whenever she smoked, Joanne observed. She needed to understand this better, and she asked, "Jen, honey, I'm curious about something." "What, mom?," Jenny said before quickly turning her head towards the window and exhaling a stream out of the car. "Your smoking... it just looks as though you like it so much. What does it do for you? Is it relaxing, or what?" Jenny was surprised by the question. The only time the subject of her smoking had ever come up between them before was in a negative way, but this question was delivered in a reasoned tone, almost friendly, not confrontational at all. She wasn't used to that whenever this particular subject was being discussed, though it was the usual way they communicated otherwise. She thought about it for a few seconds and decided to answer honestly rather than defensively. "Relaxing? Yeah, it really is, mom. It's kind of hard to describe. Sometimes it's relaxing, like now, and at other times, like when I first get up in the morning, it's a pickup. I can't really explain it to you. I know it's bad for me, but I just really like it." "Yes, honey, it *is* bad for you. I'm glad you recognize that. And that's why I've been so hard on you for it. It's just because I love you, that's all. I don't want to see you harm yourself with it, and it scared me that you would. I hope you understand, Jen, that the reason I've been on your back about it is that alone, not because I don't love you anymore. I do. Nothing will ever change that. I've just found it hard to get used to the idea that you're a smoker now. I guess I was really disappointed and took that out on you. I'm still having a hard time with it, honey, especially because of the work I do and all, but I'm trying. I just hope you'll decide on your own to give it up someday soon," Joanne explained. Jenny was touched by her mom's words. She understood Joanne's concerns and felt a little guilty for a moment. "Oh, mom, I know how you feel," she said. "I don't know... I guess I might quit someday," she said wistfully, knowing that it was the last thing she really wanted to do. "Maybe in a few years. I just like it right now. It feels good to me. I don't know how I can make you understand that... since, like, you've never smoked, right? I think only people who smoke themselves can really understand what it's like. And I don't think it'll hurt me, at least not right now. I hope you understand if I keep smoking for a while yet." It was too much to ask, Joanne figured, to think that Jenny would give it up completely. She tried to appreciate her daughter's words but still couldn't totally understand the attraction she felt. She decided she could live with the smoking, as long as it didn't cause her any embarassment at the office, but she was still greatly bothered by the extent to which Jenny's habit had grown. "I know you like smoking, Jen," she finally replied. "That much is obvious. I just wish you didn't do it quite so much. It seems like you're smoking an awful lot lately. Do you think you could try and cut down a little?" Jenny thought for a moment. She knew she was smoking about a pack a day lately and she really liked it, but even to her it did seem like quite a bit. "OK, I'll try, mom," she answered, knowing that she didn't really believe her words. She wasn't quite sure how she'd do it, because if anything she was already holding herself back from smoking even more. But she thought if it made her mom a little more reasonable, like she had been today, then it was worth a try. Over the next week or so Jenny tried to keep her smoking under closer control. By consciously thinking about it before lighting up, rather than doing it automatically as she had, she was able to reduce her consumption slightly. But after only a couple of days, she noticed that she seemed to be feeling the urge all the time, and was feeling a little edgy. She didn't want to revert back to her old ways just yet, and so she found herself trying to make the most of each cigarette she smoked. Almost without realizing it she had started to puff harder and more often every time, and she was inhaling more deeply than ever. Jenny even discovered how to perform a double-pump inhale in response to her intense urge to smoke. The first time she did it without even consciously thinking about it, after she had gone several hours without smoking. She had taken a long first drag on a fresh Marlboro 100 and inhaled deeply, then somehow felt that it just wasn't enough. Even though she had never done this before, Jenny immediately thrust the filter, smoke still drafting from it, back between her lips. She took a second puff, pulling hard for another 5 or 6 seconds until a little smoke from the first puff began to trickle out of her nostrils. Having both her mouth and nasal cavities filled with smoke simultaneously gave it a different but enjoyable taste, she discovered. She then inhaled even more deeply this time, forcing the second puff in on top of the first to completely fill her lungs with the dense smoke, and she held it in for a few seconds. "Omigod...," Jenny murmured breathlessly to herself, her heart jumping as she understood what she had just done, and a satisfied smile began to appear on her face as she suddenly realized it felt wonderful. Jenny finally exhaled an unusually thick stream through her mouth and nose, and required several more breaths before all of the smoke had been expelled from her lungs. She found this technique gave her a thrill like she hadn't felt since the days when she had first started smoking, and allowed herself to try it a few more times over the next couple of days. By the end of the week it had become a regular feature of her habit. Despite her best intentions, Jenny was unable to successfully reduce her cigarette consumption. After a few weeks she was back at her pack a day level, and if anything her intake had increased as she now took more aggressive pulls on her Marlboros and always performed a few double pumps each day when the desire to smoke was particularly acute. She and Joanne had talked about her attempt to scale back the first week or so, and Joanne tried to encourage her. But as the novelty wore off and Jenny continued to backslide, the subject seemed never to come up any longer. Joanne could see shortly after Jenny's 16th birthday that nothing had changed, and eventually accepted her daughter's addiction as something she could do little about. Jenny was now allowed to smoke in the basement family room as well as her bedroom, and would even be permitted to have one occasionally in the dining room after a meal. Joanne decided that stigmatizing her daughter for smoking might do more harm than the habit itself, and finally conceded a few points in deference to Jenny's otherwise exemplary behaviour. The next year, just before Labor Day, Jenny and Tammy were enrolled at a two-week music camp at a university campus about an hour from home. The camp was held at the same time as Frank and Barbara Sommers were travelling to Europe on a second honeymoon of sorts, and Tammy had spent a couple of days with Jenny beforehand after her parents had departed. Joanne allowed her the same freedom to smoke as Jenny once she learned from Barbara that she permitted Tammy to smoke. The girls kept the family room filled with a smoky haze the two nights they were together, and Joanne watched them smoke together constantly. While Barbara normally still limited Tammy to a pack a day, she had given her enough money to let her buy what she needed while they were gone and Tammy had bought a couple of cartons of Virginia Slims to take with her to the camp. She took advantage of her situation and smoked well over a pack on each of the two days she spent at Jenny's house. On Saturday, Joanne drove the girls to the college and after seeing that they were settled in she returned home. She was looking forward to having two weeks all to herself for the first time she could remember since before her marriage, and was hoping to both enjoy herself a little as well as to get some things done around the house in her free time. As she did some tidying up she discovered that Tammy had left an open pack of Virginia Slims in the family room. She picked them up and was about to toss them out along with some trash, before she reconsidered, thinking that Tammy could pick them up on her return, and put them in a drawer in the kitchen. She gave it little thought and went about her business, which included preparing herself to attend a fund-raising dinner that evening for Congressman Samuel Morris, an outspoken critic of smoking and a leading advocate of anti-smoking legislation. Congressman Morris was a longtime supporter of the group Joanne acted as spokesperson for, the Congressional Action Team (CAT). Around 8:00PM Joanne arrived at the hotel and was greeted by a number of her coworkers including the Chairman of CAT, Philip LaRue; Megan King, a young but talented writer who had produced the evening's speech for Rep. Morris and was the main source of most of the group's written material; and Carolyn Harris, a lobbyist and fundraiser for the group. They were seated at a table with several other supporters of the Congressman and enjoyed a fine dinner with plenty of wine. Sam Morris gave his usual stem-winder of a speech and at the end the room burst out in a standing ovation. Everyone congratulated Megan on her fine job and they toasted her with another round of drinks. By the time the festivities were wrapping up everyone was feeling a little tipsy and Joanne was considering whether she shouldn't take a cab home rather than risk driving. Just then they were joined by Dan Sherman, one of the Congressman's assistants, who quietly invited them to join the Congressman and his wife along with several other people upstairs in a hospitality suite reserved for the evening. Joanne really didn't want anything more to drink but everyone else seemed enthused by the idea and eventually they convinced her to join them. Joanne was struck when she entered the suite by the odor of tobacco smoke that filled the room. She quickly saw the source: Sam Morris himself, working the room with a politician's usual glad-handing and ebullient personality, puffing on a huge cigar, and his wife Shirley, inhaling lustily on a long white cigarette. But they weren't the only ones, she noticed; it seemed that about half of the many people filling the room were smoking. Joanne was amazed that people who were so vehemently associated with the fight against smoking would actually smoke themselves, and wondered how they could justify their public positions with their private behaviour. She had a soft drink and decided just to hang in the shadows and watch things for a while. Sam Morris continued to work the room and Joanne watched in amazement as he spoke with Phil Larue and eventually offered him a cigar, which Phil gladly accepted and puffed to life as Sam offered him a light. Meanwhile Megan continued to down a few too many drinks as she flirted with several of the men in the room, while Carolyn was quickly engaged in conversation with Shirley Harris. After a few minutes she saw Shirley reach for her pack of cigarettes and Carolyn took one as well, while a very tipsy Megan eventually also accepted a cigarette from a man she was seriously flirting with in a dark corner of the room. Joanne watched incredulously as all three of her anti-smoking co-workers made hypocrites of themselves in an alcohol fog, and after a few more minutes her feelings became too much for her to handle. She made excuses and left quickly. Driving home all Joanne could think about was the hypocrisy of the people she worked with, and her anger began to build. When she entered the house she was quite worked up and decided to have a glass of wine as she thought about the evening's events. She grabbed a bottle of red from the rack in the dining room and took it into the kitchen to open it. Rummaging around in a drawer looking for a corkscrew, she finally found it, along with the pack of VS 100s left behind by Tammy. She looked at them for a moment, thinking of the evening's events. She redirected her thoughts to opening the wine and poured herself a glass. She returned to the living room and sipped her wine, still feeling upset at the events of the evening. As the effects of the wine made themselves felt as she neared the bottom of the glass, her thoughts suddenly returned to the pack of cigarettes lurking in the kitchen drawer. Joanne finished her wine and decided a refill was in order. She poured herself another glass and then paused. Impulsively and out of both curiosity and defiance, she opened the drawer and picked up the pack of cigarettes. Carrying them and her glass back into the living room, she stopped at the fireplace to retrieve a book of matches and returned to the sofa. Sitting down, she studied the pack closely. She read the Surgeon General's warning before shaking the pack to expose a few cigarettes. She selected one and withdrew it slowly. Looking at it, she smelled the tobacco aroma and found it rather pleasant. She examined it for a few moments before she suddenly decided that she needed to try this herself, to see finally what her daughter, her friends, and her co-workers found so appealing about it despite all the knowledge of the consequences of the habit. Striking a match, Joanne thought she knew what she needed to do from watching Jenny smoke over the last while. She placed it between her lips with her right hand and moved the flame towards the end with her left. She applied some suction and immediately felt a bitter taste in her mouth. She withdrew the cigarette and blew out a cloud of smoke to extinguish the match. She held the cigarette gingerly between the tips of her fingers like she had seen Jenny do, and arose quickly to retrieve an ashtray from the dining room - the one she reserved for Jenny on special occasions and kept hidden at other times - and returned to her perch. Joanne realized as she walked back to the sofa with the glass ashtray in one hand and the burning cigarette in the other, a trail of smoke marking her travels, that her heart was pounding in nervousness, just like a schoolgirl's, as she struggled subconsciously with her behaviour. She reached for her glass and took a sip to wash away the strange taste. She smelled the scent of the smoke and was again reminded both of her father and her daughter. She decided to try a puff. She moved the filter to her lips and sipped gently on it, letting a little smoke into her mouth. She immediately blew it out as her mouth watered in response. She decided she didn't particularly care for the taste but that it wasn't intolerable either. Another small sip of wine eliminated the remains and she thought about Jenny. A sudden determination came upon her and she again sipped a little smoke from the cigarette, then breathed it in like her daughter always did. She felt it as it entered her lungs and her heart jumped. She began to blow it out and felt a tickle at the back of her throat, but the amount of smoke she inhaled was so small that it didn't make her cough. She saw a thin plume exit her lips and was fascinated immediately. It didn't feel all that bad, though it was certainly unusual. It wasn't at all like she had imagined, somehow... it wasn't irresistible, nor was it disgusting. It was just different somehow, but not all that unpleasant. Joanne paused to tap an ash from the end of her cigarette, and looked at the orange crescent at the end that glowed softly. She thought about what she had experienced so far and decided she needed to learn more. Again she sipped gently on the filter, drawing a little more smoke into her mouth this time, and inhaled again. The sensations she felt as the smoke found her lungs were more intense this time, yet somehow less intimidating. She slowly exhaled after a moment and saw a long thin stream exit her lips. Her system seemed to be racing nervously now, and she took another sip of wine to try and reverse the effects. After another few moments she seemed to settle down, and she decided to try it once more. The filter of the VS 100 was again carefully placed between her lips and she drew on it, first gently, then with increasing force. She saw the end of the cigarette jump to life, and after a few seconds she withdrew it and inhaled. Her lungs filled with the smoke that had been in her mouth, and she felt a strange, airless sensation in her chest as she drew it in. A sudden rush of sensations began to move through her body, and as she exhaled she saw a long, much thicker stream of smoke leave her body. She felt suddenly light-headed, and was unsure whether it was the cigarette, the wine, or both that was the cause. Joanne smiled silently as she enjoyed the effect and closed her eyes for a moment to savor it. After a few moments she returned to reality and again ashed the cigarette. She thought about her daughter's habit and tried relating it to what she herself had felt tonight. She could see why Jenny liked to smoke, she thought. It was different, and rather pleasant, at least so far. She knew her daughter found it more than just enjoyable, and in fact was addicted to the nicotine, but she finally understood how it had happened. The insight was satisfying to her, and she decided to try one last puff. Joanne was still thinking of Jenny as she replaced the filter between her lips. She began to draw on the cigarette and continued to do so just as Jenny now did until she could draw no more into her mouth. She opened her lips and took a deep breath in. The smoke again filled her lungs and she closed her eyes once more as she felt the same strange, intense but now enjoyable sensation deep in her chest. She flushed with pleasure and slowly, almost reluctantly, blew out a stream from her nose and mouth. She took a deep breath and again saw some smoke leave her body as she breathed out. The light-headedness was unmistakable now and there was no question as to the cause. Joanne sighed and crushed out the cigarette in the ashtray. She sat motionless for a few moments before finally reaching for her glass and finishing her wine. She no longer cared about the hypocrites she worked with, nor did she feel at all bad about what she had done. Regardless of what she may have felt about the habit before this evening, she now saw it in a different light and thought that maybe she now had an appreciation for why people smoked, if nothing else. The fact that she had actually enjoyed it was an unexpected surprise. |
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